Unexpurgated Diary of a Shanghai Baby Chapter 10 CHAPTER 10 In Which the Baby Hears Further Reports of Henli Regatta, Especially About Non-Washable Bathing Suits ... The Advantages of Bamboo Dragons Over Wooden Elephants .... Another Encounter with the Jap Baby. MAY twenty-third - Nice day, but have funny feeling inside. Auntie busy putting talcum powder on sunburn. Said she saw Bertie at regatta and papa remarked that if he isn't careful they'll cancel his citizenship at the American Consulate for carrying a walking stick more than an inch in diameter. "I don't know why he didn't row," said Auntie, "He has a wonderful build. I heard that he stands 5 feet 11 inches in his gym suit and weighs 150 pounds in his stocking feet." Papa said that Bertie was probably like Jess Willard in being a champion heavy-weight from the neck down and a champion lightweight from the neck up. Mama asked papa if he was glad he went to the regatta and he said yes, that he held four aces once and had a full house several times. "Is that all you got out of it?" asked mama. "Well," said papa, "I used to wish I could go back for a time and buy a ticket for the Zeigfeld Follies, but after seeing the bathing suits at Henli, I've ceased to be homesick. The tailors who made them must have stolen enough material to buy outfits for the whole family. Most of them were as short as the love letters of a man with a sprained arm." Auntie said she liked regatta very much, but didn't see why they had people to row when there was a man at the back of the boat to pull it along with strings. May twenty - fourth-Not much doing today. Sat on floor during tiffin and heard mama ask papa if he would have a mango. "Do I eat it?" asked papa, "I always thought the mango was a dance." "You probably also thought that the papaia was something to play on the ukelele," said mama, with next-door girl expression. Papa said that he might be ignorant, but at least he didn't tell lady from Japan that he hadn't gone to see the Diabutsu because he didn't like slumming. No answer from mama. May twenty-fourth - later - Still quiet today. Had pleasant time eating colored spots off bamboo dragon that family bought at Henli. Tried to make it teach wooden elephant how to switch tail, but wooden elephant wouldn't learn. Will take bamboo dragon to Hongkew Park this afternoon and try to throw scare into Jap baby. May twenty-fifth - Pleasant weather. Missed taking bamboo dragon to Hongkew Park, as papa played with it so much that he broke switch in tail. Hope he doesn't get interested in my bottle. Would like to keep a few things to myself if possible, as Auntie has taken beauty-pins and amah is using talcum powder for complexion. May twenty-fifth-later-Mama busy getting ready for bridge party. Was fixing flowers when papa came home to tiffin. "I've always heard that flowers in China don't smell," said mama, sniffing caterpillar on leaf. "They're lucky," said 'papa, "Sometimes I wish I couldn't." Papa remarked that it was open season for onions on the Whangpoo and that fragrance was strong enough to win all events if only allowed in Far Eastern Olympic. "The man who named the Garden Bridge must have had a bad cold," said papa. "Maybe he was thinking of a vegetable garden," mama answered. Papa said later that national air of China differed from that of other countries, as other countries expected people to stand up for national air, while that of China knocked people down. May twenty-fifth-Sat on floor during tiffin, and tried to make friends with wooden elephant again, which was unhappy because of bamboo dragon. Mama said she was busy trying to figure out what to give for bridge prize, as she didn't want to spend money and yet wanted to be sure not to give anything she had won at house of some lady present. "I think I'll pick out a couple of guest towels without initials," mama said. "Guest towels were built on the assumption that guests have only half a hand and no face," said papa. "I don't know why a person visiting is supposed to need a towel only one-sixth as big as he uses at home. I always take half a dozen and use them in relays." Mama said that size of guest towel didn't matter much, as stranger in bathroom always used family towels anyway and merely crumpled up guest towel for form. Manicure amah came just then and mama said she was very glad, as she needed new supply of gossip to entertain company. May twenty-sixth - Had pleasant ride to Hongkew Park. Saw Jap baby and made face. Jap baby tried to turn up nose at me but couldn't as didn't have enough nose. Had interesting time watching bigger baby take walk in lake with goldfish, while amahs were busy telling about missees' new dresses. Nice day. May twenty-sixth - later -Came back from ride and found family excited because papa missed light trousers from last year. Mama said we might have key made for wardrobe, but Auntie remarked that would be like locking barn door after stone had stopped gathering moss. Wonder if papa ever saw amah dressed up to visit family. May twenty-sixth - later - Papa asked mama at tiffin if she had had good time at bridge party, and mama said yes, that she heard three new scandals about ladies' who went to Carlton with people not husband. "There was some good bridge, too," said mama. "Not as good as I play," said papa. "Last time I was in a game I made a grand slam by my playing." "That was a pianola hand," mama answered. "It played itself." Papa said he didn't get credit for anything except refreshments bought at club, and even there they wouldn't give him beyond the first of the month. May twenty-seventh - Hongkew Park getting ready for something called Olympics. Wonder if they will enter any Jap babies. Would like to take part in wooden elephant-throwing contest. May twenty-eighth - Saturday and not much doing. Family went last night to hear lecture on something called relativity. Auntie said she had idea perfectly, only couldn't explain it. Mama remarked that main idea was that everything is sometimes shorter than others, and papa said he was exception to law, as family kept him short all the time. "When I saw the three balls at the front of the stage I thought the relative was going to be an uncle," papa said. Mama said she didn't believe so much ether was floating around, as it has an awful smell and everything would seem like hospital. "Dr. Einstein must have gotten the idea that there is no absolute time by trying to set his watch according to the clocks along Nanking Road," papa said. Auntie remarked that lecture was just too cute for words but next time she was going to movies. May twenty-ninth - Pleasant weather. Mama asked papa to go to church in morning and papa said that last time he went, mama took so long to get ready that they missed all the singing and just hit the collection. "Nobody stylish goes to church on time in Shanghai, and a lot of people just leave cards," said mama. "You needn't worry about the collection either, as all you have to do is sign a chit." "Yes, but I hate to think of all those chits waiting for me in Heaven and being chased by shroffs with wings," papa answered. Mama said that if papa really expected to see chits in the Beyond he ought to write them on asbestos. No answer from papa, except prayer about razor. May twenty-ninth - Spent morning in basement while amah pressed clothes with iron having smokestack in top and told cook's wife about zoo in ancestry. Trouble because cook's wife said amah went to place called Great World with cook. Cook very busy in pantry taking ice out of refrigerator to sell to step-uncle running sherbet stand. May thirtieth - Rainy day. Papa came back from Hongkew Park and said that baseball game would have been great success if players were only allowed to use sampans. Fat lady called later with other lady just from America who is translating Chinese poems into English. "You learned Chinese pretty quickly," said papa. "Oh" I don't know any Chinese, said lady, swinging brown glass beads, "I just translate." "I'm familiar with that type of work, as I've done a little of it myself," said papa. "Here is a fragment I translated from Li Po: "Oh laundryman, spreading wash in Hongkew, How the morning sun shines on sheets and pillow-cases! Are you thinking of Confucius as you stand in the sun-light, Or are you merely wondering if family will miss those silk pajamas?" Poetry lady said poem was very unusual, and papa said it was not easy to write, as he had lots of trouble getting poetic license from Municipal Council. Papa then asked if he should recite another poem, but lady said she guessed she'd better be going. May thirty-first - Quiet day. Mama told papa he ought to improve mind by going to meeting of Shanghai Psychic Research Society. "It's all about spirits," said mama. "Will they teach me how to make home-brew in case I go back to the States?" asked papa. Mama said it was not that kind of spirits, but the kind you see through. Papa answered that in that case he didn't want to go, as he could do research work enough sitting in lobby of Palace Hotel and watching summer girls come in door. All content is copyright unless otherwise indicated