Unexpurgated Diary of a Shanghai Baby Chapter 8 CHAPTER 8 In Which the Baby Decides That the Life of Infant in Shanghai is One Round of Friday, the Thirteenth... New Hope for the Jessfield Monkey-House ... The Baby Tries to Help Out a Romantic Situation. MAY twelfth - Porch covered with woolen things being aired for summer. Mama said she was going to put them in moth-proof bags. Papa said that amah-proof box would be more to point. Wish there was such a thing as amah-proof baby. May thirteenth - Friday today. Family said day means bad luck. Can't see that luck is any worse than usual. Stuck by same number of safety-pins and have same funny feeling in mouth where new tooth is coming. Amah very busy telling all other amahs in town about family going to Tsingtao for summer. Papa told mama at tiffin that she must be raising me on cafeteria plan, as there wasn't anybody to wait on me. Didn't mind being left alone, as was busy upstairs watching new coolie clean bathtub with mama's crocheted washcloth. May thirteenth - Mama asked papa if he had had any bad luck today. "Every day is Friday the thirteenth to a married man," said papa, reading bill for mama's new dress. Mama said that she could have married half a dozen nice men at home, and papa said it was too bad she didn't as she needed that many to pay for clothes. Auntie said just then that papa didn't realise how expensive clothes were, as she had just paid ten dollars a yard for dress to wear to Carlton. "That oughtn't to be to expensive," said papa. "You don't need more than a yard." Mama answered that she was not going around town looking like wife of a poor man, and papa replied that poor men's wives were best-dressed women in Shanghai, as that was why husbands were poor. May thirteenth - Had interesting ride in perambulator. Passed Hangkew Market and saw poultry man make dead ducks fat by blowing up at windpipe. Also saw fish-men painting fresh red gills on old-fashioned fish. Later had glimpse of family cook doing shopping. Glad I take my tiffins out of a bottle. May thirteenth - Papa come home early and had busy time trying to get number on telephone. Mama told him he should be ashamed to swear in front of baby. "Turn the baby around," said papa. "These gentlemen hello-girls make all the connections by absent treatment," papa remarked, after saying prayers. We're so used to not getting the number that if all the staff walked out on strike Shanghai people wouldn't know it until they read it in the paper. You stand about as much chance of getting the right number on a Shanghai telephone as you do in the Sweepstake." Papa remarked later that people who wandered forty years in wilderness were probably trying to get the land of Canaan on the telephone. "There weren't any telephones in Bible times," said mama. "Of course there were," said papa. "Didn't you ever hear of the Book of Numbers?" Central interrupted then to tell papa that line was engaged and also out of order. Amah carried me out in hurry. May fourteenth - Pleasant day. Sat on porch while amah pulled out her front hair with string and patted pieces of black court plaster on forehead for headache. Papa came home for tiffin and Auntie asked him if he was going in for any kind of spring athletics. "No," said. papa, "I get plenty of exercise sprinting into the house after paying a ricsha coolie, so as to arrive ahead of the row. I used to be a shark at baseball, but I haven't any time to practice." "You are still good at catching high-balls," said mama. Papa said he was glad to hear mama admit that he was good at something. Rest of tiffin quiet except for soup. Papa remarked later after finding coolie brushing bureau with silk shirt that he was sorry ratepayers wouldn't allow Municipal Council to build the $10,000 monkey-house in Jessfield Park, as he would like to contribute new upstairs coolie and might also be persuaded to part with house-boy. May fourteenth - Had ride to Hongkew Park. No sign of Jap baby. Hope it is walking back to Japan. May fifteenth - Nice day. Family excited because I said "Mama." Was really trying to say "Amah" but can't make family understand my language. Papa said that mama had better pay a little more attention to me when I begin to talk. What about my bridge parties? asked mama. "Teach the baby to score and then you can take him with you," said papa. "If he stays in the back of the house all the time, he will learn to swear in Chinese." "Yes, and if he stays in the front of the house, he will learn to swear in English," said mama, looking at papa. Papa said that he guessed he had a right to say something when he found that houseboy had put flypaper in bureau drawer to keep moths. away from golf-socks. May fifteenth - later - Sat on floor while family read paper. Auntie asked meaning of "P.P.C." which she had seen in corner of friend's card. "I've heard that it means 'Please Postpone Chits'," said mama. "I've also known cases where it stood for 'Payment Permanently Cancelled'," papa remarked. Mama said family would have to send steamer present to friends and suggested basket of flowers. "Yes," said papa. "People in a state-room so small that they have to sleep with their hats on because they have no place to put them always appreciate a basket of flowers. Besides, it is such a comfort when you have 31.1/2 pieces of hand luggage to have a kind friend rush up and make it 32.1/2." Mama remarked that she might send box of candy, only friend would not appreciate it after the first day out. "I'll look around the house and try to find something that I don't use very often and wouldn't miss much," mama said. "Why not send them the baby?"' papa inquired. No more remarks about present. Papa said later that maybe friends would not appreciate family coming to see them off, as many people preferred to stay inside tender until it got too far away from jetty for shroffs to jump. May sixteenth - Amah bought me new black rubber thing today. Thought I was getting chow, but found out it was bluff. Disappointed to find no connection. Wonder if they think they are really fooling me. Wouldn't hold it in Hongkew Park, as didn't want Jap baby to think I was being taken in. May seventeenth - Pleasant weather. Auntie said this morning that Cyril had invited her to go to lecture on "Theory of Relativity." "Do you know what that is? she asked mama. "I don't know for certain, but I think it is about how to get along with your relatives,'' mama said. Hope they all go. Maybe they'll learn more about getting along with Me. May eighteenth - Had pleasant trip to Hongkew Park. Rubber thing fell out of perambulator. Hoped I had lost it, but amah picked it up again. Flavor of Hongkew Park not as good as Public Garden. Later came home and watched amah's younger sister hand starch mama's white kid gloves. May eighteenth - later - Weather still good. Papa said he had to hurry at noon, as he and lawyer friend at club were going to look into important case that had just come up. Mama asked him if important case had just come up from cellar. Quiet tiffin. May nineteenth - Bertie called this afternoon. Said he was sorry to have stayed away so long, but that he had sprained shoulder. "Yes, I've heard she dances like that," said Auntie with ice-box expression. Bertie pulled collar as face turned color of Jap baby's felt hat. Then asked Auntie why she went with Cyril person. "There is nothing the matter with Cyril," said Auntie, tossing head. "He goes in the best society in Poo-tung." Bertie asked Auntie what Cyril did for a living, and Auntie said she wasn't sure but thought he handled remittance department in some bank, as she had heard he was remittance man. Bertie tried to hold Auntie with arm and Auntie said she would scream if he didn't stop. Tried to help by squalling to call family. Bertie pulled collar again and said he would have to go home. Went. Auntie said I was a pest and ought to be locked up in garret. Can't understand family. Guess I'll go to sleep with wooden elephant and make-believe chow. All content is copyright unless otherwise indicated