Unexpurgated Diary of a Shanghai Baby Chapter 7 CHAPTER 7 In Which the Baby is Perturbed by Cucumbers and the Spring Meet......The Pleasures of House-Booting... The Jap Baby Springs a New Accomplishment, Thereby Upsetting Some Deep-laid Plans. MAY fourth - Everybody gone to races to-day. Cook took bird-cage and went after tiffin. Houseboy went to dentist for tooth-ache, but saw dentist at same place. Nobody home but amah and me. Pretty soon amah put me in perambulator and wheeled me to house of old Chinese lady, then went out toward Bubbling Well. Old lady gave me nice piece of cucumber to chew, which she told amah wouldn't hurt me because it was too big for me to swallow. Fooled her. Swallowed it. Would like to live in this house, as would enjoy chickens roosting on crib. May fourth - later - Amah came back in hurry, wheeled me in rear entrance of home, took off bonnet, and had me sitting in pen when family came in front way. Told mama I had slept upstairs all afternoon. Surprised that amah has such poor memory. Papa said that married men always lost, as he had won $50 in Pari-Mutuel, but had to spend $250 to dress up family for races. "Anyway, a lot of people looked at me in my new clothes," said mama. Papa said a lot more would have looked at her if she had just blacked her face, and it wouldn't have been nearly as expensive. Cyril came in bye-and-bye, looking unhappy. Said that he had been tipped off on a pony. "Did you hurt yourself much when you fell?" asked Auntie. "About a hundred dollars' worth," said Cyril. Auntie said it was awful the way the doctors charge in this town and that Cyril should be more careful in his riding. May fifth - Something wrong inside. Squalled all day. Mama said climate doesn't agree with me. Don't remember eating any climate. May sixth - Somewhat better. Went out with amah to Hongkew Park and saw fresh Jap baby. Looked in other direction as am not feeling in good trim yet. May sixth - Family talking about invitation to go on houseboat trip. Mama asked papa if he would like to go. "Why should I?" asked papa. "All I have to do is to take the springs out of my bed and saw off the end so that I have to sleep doubled up like a Duplex apartment. Then I need only tell the boy to break all the bottles of chow water and forget some important articles of diet; limit the family to one washbasin; hire some fragrances strong enough to walk up and shake hands; and engage a lot of coolies to look in the window while I'm dressing, and I can have just as much fun as if I were on a houseboat trip. I never went on a houseboat party yet where the boy didn't break the water-bottles. It must be a rule in the Chinese civil code." Mama said that papa probably didn't miss the water-bottles very much, and papa said that he wouldn't get the credit for it even if he did. Papa remarked later that families who went on houseboat parties together either parted mortal enemies or else had so much on each other that they had to stay good friends. May seventh - Nice day. Sat in kitchen and watched cook scrub potatoes with old hair-brush. Later enjoyed pleasant time while cook's wife and amah had argument over winnings on Pari-mutuel ticket. Cook's wife bit amah's ear. Many remarks about ancestors. Busy morning. May seventh - later - Mama remarked at tiffin that hot weather would soon be here and that papa ought to buy a pith helmet. "I have no ambition to go around town looking like Livingston exploring Africa," said papa. "The chief thing I am going to get for the hot weather is a little printed card saying, "No, I wouldn't mind the heat if it wasn't for the humidity." By pinning it to my lapel I'll be saved the trouble of saying it 999 times a day." "What will you find to talk about?" asked mama. "Just watch me," said papa. Mama remarked that she had every intention of doing so. May seventh - Papa came home wearing court plaster on countenance. Said he was going to find new barber as he was tired of losing so much face. Think court-plaster would be very becoming to Jap baby. Will practice throwing wooden elephant so as to be ready for next trip to Hongkew Park. May eighth - Not much doing today. Had pleasant time upstairs while family went for ride in car, watching houseboy take shave with papa's new safety razor. Later saw him put on some of mama's Mary Garden perfume. Perfume had hard fight with garlic. Garlic won. Will try to keep an eye on my talcum powder. May eighth - Family came home later and mama said she didn't see why we couldn't have car too, as she was tired paying coppers in tram and having them handed back because of wrong pictures. 'If you'd just say 'season,' you wouldn't have to pay any coppers," said papa. "Nobody who knows the ropes pays to ride in a tram in this city." Mama said that if papa was the right sort, he would buy her a car. Papa answered that if he did it would have to be cheap one without a self-starter, and he had trouble enough already cranking up the telephone. May eighth - later - Sat on floor with wooden elephant while family ate tiffin. Surprised to hear papa say that trains during war were protected by amah. Didn't know she traveled. May ninth - Went out to Hongkew Park and saw fresh Jap baby wearing white apron on top of kimono and little flat red hat on head. Silly get-up. Jap family excited because baby could step alone. Awfully stuck on itself. Have decided not to throw wooden elephant, as didn't know Jap baby could walk. May ninth - Papa came home for tiffin and mama told him about new sweater which Aunt at home had sent her. It would be nice to have Aunt Mary come out to visit us," said mama. "I don't think she would like the Soochow bathtubs," said papa with unhappy look, "Nobody but a cobra could be comfortable in one." "I had no intention of asking her to sleep in a Soochow bath-tub," said mama, giving papa quick expression, "If she was your. aunt, you'd want to give her the best room, but just because she's mine you don't care what becomes of her." Papa said that there are ants enough around in the summer-time eating up the provisions, without sending for another from America. May ninth - Had busy time later chinning self on side of pen. Will walk soon if lucky. Afterwards went upstairs for nap and saw new coolie mopping floor with mama's. Pleasant afternoon. May tenth - Nice day. Mama has taught amah to put funny glass thing in my mouth and then read what it says. Told amah she must cook it first. Amah cooks it, then tastes it to see if it is all right before giving it to me. Can't find any sense in stunt, but then have stopped expecting much of family. May eleventh - Family had busy time today talking about place to go for summer. Papa said he would like to go somewhere where there is good hunting. Mama answered that he could find that in any resort and he wouldn't have to go out of his room, either. Papa said later that he hoped to find place where shoes were something to put on feet and not ground for green vegetable garden. "Why not ask our friends about good places?" asked mama. "We might try it, but I've noticed that people are always strongest for the resorts they haven't visited," papa answered. Rather looks at present as if family is going to Tsingtao. Hope so, as might find Jap babies there that haven't learned to walk. Have decided to save wooden elephant. May twelfth - Papa said that tomorrow would be Friday the thirteenth and Auntie asked him if he was superstitious. "Yes," said papa, "I always used to hate to get thirteen days in jail for speeding and I never do like to pay bills that fall due on Friday." Auntie said she didn't wish anybody any bad luck, but that she hoped girl from French-town would fall down at tea dance and sprain her costume. All content is copyright unless otherwise indicated