Unexpurgated Diary of a Shanghai Baby Chapter 3 CHAPTER 3 In Which the Baby Finds that He Can't Stand the Social Pace ....The Inconveniences of Being Kissed by Company...The Elusive Bachelor in Shanghai .. Cold Jelly-Fish versus Stocking Feet. APRIL sixteenth - Sleepy today, as family kept me awake last night getting ready to go to dinner party. Wish crib was up in attic. Noise began as soon as they came upstairs. "Is it a boiled shirt affair?" asked papa, looking out of bathroom with lather on face. "Of course," said mama, "Were you contemplating wearing your golf-suit ?" "I was contemplating not going at all," said papa, "Last time I went there a fat woman we played bridge with mistook my foot for her husband's and stepped on it every time they bid. I was lame for a week." "You don't want to go any less than I do," said mama, "I went to a tea-party today and I'm all worn out." "Well" said papa, looking at mama's evening dress, "If that's the way I felt about it, I'd put some clothes on and go to bed." "Go on and get ready," said mama, jabbing tortoise shell ornament into hair. A few minutes later papa came back to ask if Ethel wasn't going. "She's late again," said mama. "I suppose she stopped to have a permanent wave put in her finger-nails or something," said papa, looking for pearl stud under bed. Just as they left I heard mama tell papa to keep an eye on the spoons, as she was trying to locate half a dozen that the house-boy loaned out a month ago. Have decided to start reprisals if family continues to make noise going to parties. Would like to organise other Shanghai babies into a union for an eight-hour day. April 17th. - Family came down late to break-fast on account of party. Mama told papa he should have known enough to return his partner's lead on hearts in the last rubber. "I didn't realise I'd borrowed it from her," said papa. "It's too late to return it now unless I do it by chit. Besides, that will even us up a little. Her husband took $100 from me two months ago and hasn't returned it yet," Mama didn't say anything but stirred coffee hard. "Anyway," said papa after a moment, "I don't go through a whole hand with my mind in a millinery shop and then come up for air to ask what's trumps." "Who does that?" asked mama sweetly. "I read somewhere that the late Empress-Dowager did," said papa, looking at toast with interest. No more conversation during breakfast. April 17th. - (later). - Company came in afternoon. Expected trouble when I heard mama tell amah to put on my filet lace dress, as I was to be brought downstairs for a while. Tried to crawl behind linen in closet, but amah found me and hauled me out. Hate company. First fat woman kissed me and said I was a "diddle, diddle dumpkin." Then thin woman kissed me and said I was a "witchykitchy sweetheart." Then a bald-headed man kissed me and said I was a regular little Jack Dempsey. "He's such a fine baby it's easy to see he has a mother's personal care," said one lady. "He surely has," said mama looking pleased. Wonder if amah is a mother. April 17. - (still later). - Company finally drifted into next room to have tea and forgot me. Had a pleasant time playing with coal in brass hod and listening to conversation. Heard bald-headed man remark that he had a headache this afternoon, as he had taken several grains of quinine and it always made him dizzy. Surprised to hear this, as it was not quinine I noticed when he kissed me. He also said that he always takes a great deal of medicine in the East, as the drinking water doesn't agree with him. "How did you happen to find out?" asked papa politely. Mama kicked papa under table and started sudden conversation about expedition into Thibet. "It must be terribly thrilling to be among wild people and wild animals," said fat lady. "Oh, I don't know," answered papa, "You can see enough wild people here in Shanghai, and if you're pining for wild animals, just wait until the mosquito season opens." "I think it must be very exciting," said mama, giving papa quick expression. "Sometimes I wish I had married an explorer." "You have," said papa, reaching for cookie, "I'm just about to apply for a medal from the Royal Geographical Society. Yesterday, alone and unassisted, I found three addresses on Dixwell Road." Thin lady said she heard that in Thibet they made statues of butter and kept them for as long as a year. "Now I know where some of the dairies in Shanghai get their supply," said papa. Went to sleep leaning against coal hod. When I woke up, company had left to go to concert and mama was telling papa that he was hopelessly lowbrow. April 18th. - Bertie expected for dinner today. Auntie very excited. Bought some long-stemmed flowers and put them in vases on either side of the grate. Also spent hour before glass trying hair new way. I was downstairs when Bertie came and heard him remark that he was looking forward to going on a paper-hunt. It's about time," said papa, who had come in from office. "I go on one six days a week, trying to pick up paper with some government printing on it. It's a great sport." Bertie said that he was thinking of giving up his present place to become a broker. "Would you ride around town in one of those dear little traps?" asked Auntie, clasping her hands, "I think they're too sweet for words." "Yes," said papa. They're a great sight. Every morning the brokers stage a Ben Hur chariot race on the Bund, most of them standing up in the pose of an ancient Roman with short petticoats and a filet around his brow. Every time exchange drops a ha'penny, the mafoo hits the horse, and when it drops a penny, he runs over a ricsha coolie." Didn't hear any more, as was busy pulling heads off long-stemmed flowers which flower-man had fastened on with pins. April 19th. - Fair weather this morning. Took off one more layer of clothes. Mama asked Auntie if Bertie had said anything yet. "Nothing except that it was a nice day yesterday," said Auntie, looking cross. Auntie spent rest of morning playing sad music on phonograph. Papa came in for tiffin while she was trying "Where is My Wandering Boy Tonight?" and stood up straight with hand at forehead. "Why are you standing up?" said mama, coming in. "That's Shanghai's national anthem" said papa, sitting down at end of record. Spent some time in basement with amah, trying to make friends with cook's cat. Rather nice pussy, but don't like the way he sings. Sounds like Auntie taking vocal culture. April nineteenth. - Heard mama tell papa that houseboy was going to be married in a few days and that family should give him a present. "What's the idea?" asked papa. "We don't owe him any present. He's been harvesting his trousseau from my wardrobe for the past three months." Mama said if we lost this house boy, we might get another not interested in wardrobe but fond of family jewelry. Papa said that we might as well give him a present, as he would take one anyway. "What shall it be - a silver nut dish or a brass card-receiver?" papa asked. "Neither, of course" said mama. "It ought to be something practical, that he could use every day." "How about an alarm-clock?" asked papa. Family still arguing when amah brought my bottle and piece of candied ginger cousin sent from Canton. April nineteenth. - Quiet after. noon. Heard mama wondering why living-room couch always looked so untidy in the morning. Could have told her that cook's brother-in-law, who is out of job, sleeps there every night after family goes upstairs, but mama never talks to me unless to say "da-da" once in a while. Family rather snobbish. Glad amah and I move in same social circle. April nineteenth. - Papa came home early and mama told him that they were going to sukiaki with people they had met at card-party. "Whose bright idea was that?" asked papa. "Why, don't you like a sukiaki?" said mama. "I can think of other ways of enjoying myself besides sitting in my stocking-feet on the floor eating Japanese stew and cold devil-fish," said papa. "Besides, I never went to one of those affairs yet that I didn't have a hole in my sock, and had to walk with my feet drawn up, so people couldn't see it." "That's your own fault," said mama. "Oh, is it?" asked papa. "Well, if I'm expected to do the embroidery on my own hoisery, I may as well borrow some Chinese clothes and hire out as a Number 2 Amah." Nothing more said about stockings just then, but later heard papa ask mama to lend him some court plaster as he had discovered hole. April twentieth. - Went out this morning with amah and wooden elephant. Elephant very nice to bite tooth on, but always falling out of perambulator into street. Amah kind about picking it up and giving it back to me. Know taste of every street in Shanghai. All content is copyright unless otherwise indicated