Unexpurgated Diary of a Shanghai Baby Chapter 1 CHAPTER 1. In Which the Baby Decides that "Home, Sweet Home" Must Have Been Written by Orphan. . . . The Charms of Calling Sinza Road.... Amah Stages a Funeral...... The Strange Vagaries of Silk Host in Shanghai. MARCH 29 - The family has been raving about somebody called Opal Whitely and somebody else called Daisy Ashford that they said were infant prodigies. I guess I'm as smart as they are, even if a lot younger, so am going to keep a diary myself. The family can't read it, of course. They're awfully stupid. Heard mama say just now that the amah had better take me out, as I'm making marks all over a piece of paper on the dining-room floor. Will continue diary in kitchen. That's where I spend most of my time anyway. I live in a nice brick house with my family but though I have been introduced to the others, I am not well-acquainted with anybody excerpt the amah. She speaks a nice, easy language and not the funny kind of foreign talk the others use. Am learning to understand them, though. This morning I heard them wondering where all last night's chicken went. But when I started to tell them about the cook's two cousins who are boarding in the kitchen, mama said, "Listen to the little dear. He's trying to say 'Daddy.'" Have decided that the family is quite hopeless. Will learn to read the Want Ads as soon as possible so as to find a new home. March 30. - There are lots of things about grown-up talk that I don't understand yet. Today papa told my auntie that if she didn't make good pretty soon, he would send her back to America. Auntie cried and said that if papa would be decent to poor Bertie, she would soon have a man to care for her. "Bertie!" said papa, "He isn't a man; he's a lap-dog." "He comes from a very good family!" Auntie said, crying some more. "He must have come a long way," papa said. "And he knows some of the best people in town," auntie replied. "Perhaps. I always said myself that the night watchman was a pretty good fellow," papa remarked. It's too deep for me. Am going to take a nap. March 31. Went out today with the amah. Mama thought we went to the Public Gardens, but we didn't. Amah took me calling on Sinza Road where all her family live in a nifty two roomed house. They were very much interested in my new back tooth. First amah put her finger in my mouth. Then her brother, Lo Shing, First Rate Lady Best Style Tailor, put his finger in my mouth. Then her cousin, Ah See, who runs High Class Christian Gambling Parlor, put his finger in my mouth. Then Liou Zung, Stylish Maker of Ancient Chinese Ornament, put his finger in my mouth. Wish amah's family wasn't so fond of garlic. April second. - Went out with amah again this morning and a fresh Jap baby made a face at me in Hongkew Park. Will get even someday. When I was enjoying bottle at home later, mama said, "He's getting to be such a big baby that pretty soon we can give him solid food." If she only knew what I had this morning - piece of meat dumpling that amah chewed for me and a water chestnut. Amah is a good sport. April third. - Had colic. Squalled. April fourth. - Didn't sleep well last night, as father came home late and made lots of noise. Mama hasn't had much to say this morning. Very unusual. Looks like rain. April fifth. - Not much doing today. Papa asked mama how her bridge party went. Mama said she lost five dollars. Papa said." Five dollars! Do you think I'm made of money?" "Who dropped $200 on Silver Streak last fall?" Mama inquired sweetly. Papa turned red and murmured that accidents would happen. Mama said yes, they would, but that was no reason for betting on one of them. Papa picked up a poetry book, from the table in a hurry and started to read out loud. He read. "The stag at eve had drunk his fill." "Yes," said mama, looking at Papa, "That is the worst of those stag parties." Papa said he guessed he would go out and take a walk. April sixth. - Bertie called again today and said that he was not feeling well because a few months ago he had had a bad attack of water on the brain. Papa said it was too bad they removed it, as water is better than nothing. Auntie is not speaking to papa now. Grown-ups are very curious. April sixth. - Saw that fresh Jap baby again in Hongkew Park. Made a face at it. Mama said today that we might go to America soon, but that we can't take amah. Very sorry. Hate traveling with strangers. Believe I'll give the family my resignation and try to get a job. April seventh - Raining again. Spent most of this morning in the basement with amah, watching houseboy and coolie play cards with mama's new bridge deck. Coolie won two pairs of papa's silk socks from houseboy. No use telling the family, though. They never listen to me. April seventh - Afternoon and still raining. Papa was late to tiffin and mama said that he shouldn't have stopped in at the club. Papa said, "How did you know I stopped in at the club? By telepathy?" "No," said mama, "I didn't have to use telepathy." The girl next door passed just then with a man in an automobile, and papa said, "She seems to be getting by all right. Wonder why Ethel can't make it?" "She's an impertinent little chit," said mama, looking out the window. "Then I suppose you would call that fellow who fetches and carries for her a chit coolie," papa answered. Nobody said anything more during tiffin. Slept in the afternoon and dreamt I hit that fresh Jap baby from Hongkew Park with my wooden elephant. April eighth - Mama was real excited this morning, because she said that the stepsister to amah's grand-aunt had died and amah had to show up at the funeral. "Who will take care of our baby?" mama asked. "Oh, is that our baby?" said papa, looking surprised, "I always thought it was the amah's." "Don't get funny," said mama, "It's a serious proposition. She'll be gone all day. Somebody will have to look after him." "There's a nomination I could make," papa said. "You're trying to be ridiculous again. What would my friends think if they saw me wheeling a perambulator?" "They might think you had a baby," papa said. Mama didn't answer this right away, but remarked later that she wondered if amah really was going to a funeral. "Maybe she belongs to the literary Section of the Amahs' Friday Morning Club and is going to read a paper on 'Introducing Chinese Civilization into the Foreign Home," papa remarked. "You make me tired," said mama leaving the room. Still sitting on the dining-room floor. Guess I'll have to shift for myself today. April eighth. - Didn't go out with mama after all. Rather sorry, as I believe in being democratic and cultivating the people I live with, even if I don't know them very well. Mama turned me over to the house-boy's aunt. Nice old party. Took me to a place where she burned some punksticks before a funny-looking gentleman; then undressed me and put some red paper on my chest for good joss. Didn't squall. Thought I'd humor the old girl. Passed a place in Hongkew on way home, with pictures outside of black-haired man choking lady on top of building. Had glimpse of amah coning out with two other amahs, eating peanuts and giggling. Will snub her next time we meet. April ninth - Nice weather again. Papa came downstairs after tiffin all dressed up in funny clothes and carrying a lot of clubs. "I'm going out to tee off," he said. "That's all right, as long as you don't tee up," Mama answered. Can't understand a lot of this talk. Wish they would try to learn my language. April ninth - (later) - Papa came in bye and bye. Said he saw Bertie on the links. "Yes, he is going to take Ethel and me to a dance tonight," said mama, "He goes to all the dances at the best cafes." "And I suppose he takes part in all the most fashionable walks on the Bund and rides on the most exclusive streetcars," papa said. Mama didn't say any more because funny noises came from downstairs just then, and papa said he was going down to the basement to tell that Chinese Mischa Elman to put some rosin on his bow. April ninth - (still later). Nothing much else happened today, except that except that when I was going to bed I heard papa tell mama that he missed a lot of silk socks. "Is the houseboy wearing them to the meetings of the Young China Fantan Association or have ladies taken up half hose again?" he asked. "You're always losing things," said mama, "What became of all that money you took out the other night to play poker with?" "That's neither here nor there," papa said. "It certainly isn't here," mama answered. April ninth - (last bulletin) - have decided to forgive amah after all. Wish I could get a day off myself some times. Would like to start something with that fresh Jap baby that makes faces at me in Hongkew Park. All content is copyright unless otherwise indicated